This is the second installment of The Perks of Sim Golf. In the first installment, we covered how much of a time-saver sim golf is compared to traditional golf, and how that will directly affect your sex life in a positive way. We will continue to focus on the positives of sim golf because, well, we have an agenda. Sim golf is here to stay, folks. Don’t fight it, embrace it.
Never Have I Ever
There’s a day that finally works for you and your buddies, and against all odds, you snag the first tee time of the day. But wouldn’t it be your luck that you get rained out? The planning, anticipation, the shit talking in the group chat, all for nothing. Which brings me to my first point. I’ve never encountered adverse weather in the golf simulator. I dictate the weather conditions. I’m the master of my dominion. No need to bring your rain gear, ruin that brand new glove you just unwrapped, get your white shoes all dirty, and then find out those waterproof shoes aren’t quite as waterproof as you were hoping. Or, in my case, no more battling the sun on those beautiful, clear hot days. My fellow pale people know the struggle, and it’s real. No more rifling through my bag to find that greasy SPF 70 and then have slippery hands for the next couple of holes. And by the way, can we talk about the price of sunscreen? This is a matter of life or death for some of us. Pretty sure in the countries with universal healthcare they just give it to you. Pale lives matter.
Never have I ever had a five-plus-hour round of golf in the simulator. I will admit, if you’re playing with a group of people in a golf simulator, that can be a bit painful, especially if Carl is there. But if it’s just you and a buddy, 18 holes in less than 1 ½ hours is completely reasonable. No more cursing that group in front of you because of their inferior play or their questionable decision-making. It’s a 600-yard par 5 straight into the fan, Carl. You’re not getting home in two. What are we waiting for?"
Some of us have the misfortune of only having the ability to fill out a threesome. You pray to the golf gods that this be the day where you don’t have that random 35 handicapper thrown in your group. But the tee sheet is full and it’s not looking favorable. And wouldn’t you know it, here comes the cutest little Asian man with rental clubs who is playing his very first round of golf. Mr. Suzuki is a sweetheart, but you don’t want to play a 5-hour round of golf with him. You may think this scenario sounds farfetched but play a few rounds in Hawaii and test your fate. Never have I ever been paired with a random person.
Don’t you love it when you get to the pro shop and find out the greens have been punched? No, me either. I get that it’s necessary but it’s still a complete bummer. Or worse yet, you pay full price, and the course is just in terrible shape. Bunkers aren’t raked, they’ve lost the greens, fairways are dead and patchy, can’t find a level area on the tee box, the trees are bigger than you remember, and the list goes on. Never have I ever been disappointed with the course conditions. It’s sim golf, the course conditions are perfect, and you can set them to your liking.
And last, but not least, never have I ever lost a golf ball in the simulator. A sleeve of premium golf balls can run you $15+ USD, which is not exactly cheap. There’s nothing like feeling good about your game, strutting onto the first tee box, pulling out that fresh Pro V1 and promptly firing it into the woods, never to be seen again. You might as well skip the first tee box altogether, open your wallet, take a $5 bill out and throw it directly into the trash. In the simulator, you’ll wear out your golf ball before you ever lose it. Here’s a pro tip for you all. Get all your balls personalized. I put Carl’s name and phone number on all my balls. That way if I ever hit a golf ball through someone’s window, the homeowner can contact him directly.
For now, this concludes the two-part series on the perks of sim golf. As the list continues to grow, stay tuned for part three, which will provide you with even more information to benefit your future sim golf endeavors.